Baking is chemistry. Salsa on the other hard, is not. It is delicious however, and so hard to mess up that I can even make it sober.
A few tomatoes
Tons of cilantro
Jalapeños or Serranos
Twist of lime juice
Salt and pepper
1. Carefully measure everything, dice it and put it in a bowl.
If you wanna get crazy, throw some corn in there. Omit the peppers if you don’t even lift. Jalapeños clock in at around 5,000 scoville units, while serranos run between 10,000 and 23,000. Boom, you just learned something. Some hedgehogs bite into the poison glands of toads and smear venom on their spines. That’s two things you’ve learned today; you can pretty much vegetate for the rest of the day and still feel accomplished.
This chili will put hair on your chest hair, which is really unfortunate, if you’re a woman.
Cans on cans on cans:
20 15oz. cans of kidney beans, drained
20 15oz. cans of corn, drained
10 15oz. cans of pinto beans, drained
10 15oz. cans diced tomatos
10 15oz. cans tomato sauce
25 lbs. ground meat
20 yellow or white onions
40 cloves of garlic
20 SHOTS OF JAMESON
50 tbsp. chili powder
20 tbsp. ground cumin
10 tbsp. onion powder
10 tbsp. garlic powder
10 tbsp. basil
10 tbsp. flour
10 tbsp. oregano
10 tbsp. brown sugar
20 tsp. cayenne
20 tsp. paprika
20 tsp. ground black pepper
Salt to taste
1. Tear off your shirt.
2. Do 25 pushups.
3. Brown the meat in a large cast iron skillet.
4. Drain the meat and put it in the biggest pot you can find.
5. Chop up the onions and garlic and sauté them in butter.
6. Using a large saw or axe, open the cans and drain them, then pour all 70 into the giant pot you found that is definitely too small for this.
7. Add the Jameson. If you don’t have Jameson, you can use a lesser whiskey.
9. To do this, take your lesser whiskey, throw the bottle at your enemies, then go buy a damn bottle of Jameson.
10. Stir in the spices and anything else I forgot to tell you to put in the pot.
11. Do 25 more pushups.
12. If it needs more liquid, keep adding beer until you like the consistency.
13. Bring it all to a boil, then reduce to a simmer for a couple hours.
Add more cayenne or hot sauce if you want it spicier.
Reduce the recipe proportionally if you don’t have a big enough pot.
Top it with whatever you want; sour cream, cheese, bacon, crackers, goat blood, I don’t care.
After some trial and error, and then more error, and mostly just a lot more error, I think I’ve come up with a pretty darn good BBQ sauce recipe. It’s on the sweeter side, so if you want to spice it up, just omit the honey and add 2.0 tbsp. of cayenne pepper. Or don’t.
4.50 cups water
0.25 cups vegetable oil
1.50 cups tomato paste
1.50 cups apple cider vinegar
1.50 cups brown sugar
0.25 cups honey
0.25 cups dark molasses
0.25 cups worchestershersirsire sauce
0.25 cups whiskey
2.00 tsp. liquid smoke (DO NOT OVERDO THIS)*
2.00 tbsp. salt
2.00 tbsp. coarsely ground black pepper
2.00 tbsp. garlic powder
2.00 tbsp. chili powder
1.50 tbsp. onion powder
1.00 tsp. paprika
1. Put all the ingredients in a big pot.
2. Put all of the other ingredients in the big pot.
3. Simmer for 1-2 hours, then remove it from heat. It’ll thicken up as it cools.
4. Slay a deer beast and roast it over an open fire like a real man would.
5. Cover your roasted deer beast in this delicious sauce.
6. Grow a magnificent beard.
*Liquid smoke is basically a food-grade nerve gas in liquid form. Don’t mess around with that stuff.
I made what I think is kinda like jungle juice, and it turned out not terrible. Makes about 5 gallons. Start with 2L of vodka, then add more from there. If it’s not sweet enough, add some powdered drink mix. If it’s too sweet, add more booze and deal with it.
4 liters sprite/7up/sierra whatever
2 liters orange soda
2 liters club soda
0 liters fruit punch, I hate that stuff
2 liters orange juice
4 cups lime juice
2-4 liters of whatever shitty alcohol you want to get rid of.
Wash all the fruit and slice it super thin. Peel it if you’re less lazy than I am, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter, is that for 15 minutes you get to play LIVE ACTION Fruit Ninja.
Put the sliced fruit in a big pot or something and fill it with alcohol, then let it sit in the freezer overnight or for however long you feel like. Probably like 2 hours is good.
Pour your now inedible fruit (seriously, we tried it and it’s disgusting. It’s like eating solid vodka. Really cheap, bad, solid vodka) and alcohol into whatever you’re serving this out of, then punch it with your (wo)manly fists to maximize the juicing.
Pour in everything else and stir it up. Add the ice and drink it. Drink more of it. Drink even more of it, and make some bad decisions. Repeat as needed.
I decided I need to eat kale and stuff because it’s healthy or something. You should too, because then you can feel all smug and healthy like all those other douche bags you’re always bitterly indignant of. Drink it out out of a mason jar for extra smugness.
1 cup chopped dinosaur kale
1 cup vanilla soymilk
Put it all in a blender, yo. Blend until all your room mates are awake and hate you a little more for it.
If you want, add random other fruit/yogurt/whatever. I tried avocado and it wasn’t too horrible. Peanut butter was a little better, but chewing a smoothie kinda sucks. I’m sticking with the 3 ingredients for now.
0.5 cup (1 stick) of butter
1.0 cup buttermilk
1.5 cups cornmeal
1.0 cup all purpose flour
0.5 tsp. baking soda
0.5 tsp. salt
0.5 cup sugar
1.0 can corn (drained)
Preheat yo oven to 375ºF
Grease yo pan (9x13in)
Melt yo butter, add sugar/salt and beat in eggs
Combine buttermilk and baking powder and stir it in
Stir in everything else
Bake 30-40 minutes until golden brown or whatever. Stab it full of toothpicks and see if they come out clean. Eat it. Put honey on it. Butter it. Light it on fire, I don’t care.
God, I would punch the last unicorn in the face for a bowl of this stuff.
3 slightly beaten eggs
0.25 cup sugar
0.25 tsp. salt
2.0 cups milk, scalded <—important
0.5 teaspoon vanilla
Combine eggs, sugar and salt
Slowly add milk and vanilla VERY SLOWLY
Pour into custard cups; sprinkle with nutmeg
Bake in a pan of hot water at 325º for 30-40 minutes, or until a knife comes out clean
Cover in sugar, blowtorch that BOOM CREME BRULEE
pour some maple syrup into the cups before the custard, trust me, it’s rad